I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
You Might Also Like
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.