My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
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*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Growing out my freckles.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.