Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!

Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.

Tasted fine, too.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas

The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.

listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa

[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

But that’s none of my business

nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me

me: h—

bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in