My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
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kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Spotted in the wild
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Windchimes
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?