My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
You Might Also Like
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
🙁
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos