Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

You’re not my real can

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?

Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer

Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer

me: how much for the wireless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…

me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.

Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.

#SaturdayBears

Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

A NEW year? In this economy??? I’m settling for a certified pre-owned.

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?

Wife: Right here!

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?

Me: Yes

Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?

THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure

I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.

[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.