Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

me doing my best

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.

Certainly wasn’t me.

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

an octopus is just a wet spider

[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]

INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.

ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.

INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.