Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

Relationship status:

I’ve put my ear hair in braids.

Get at me.

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“

Mine in this week’s New Yorker

[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”

“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom

Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?

Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

Me: Time to relax and get into bed!

The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?

Me: Yes, obviously.

I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there

My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.

*gives them a cookie when they come in*

My dogs are so stupid.

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY

My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey

Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.