My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
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My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?