My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
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The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.