My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
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Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I’m the neighbor
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!