Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.

Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though

4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*

*puts on ballerina shoes*

*puts on ballerina tiara*

Me: Who are you supposed to be?

4: A ninja.

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.

I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.

I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.

who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?

Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo

Kay’s emergency department tape rule:

If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.

If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.

EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters

On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.

I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.