My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
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How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Hell yeah 👍
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.