Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

[morning after getting drunk]

age 23: did i make out with that guy

age 36: did i wash my face

If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster

Me: If you love something you have to let it go.

Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?

I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.

You know I’m all about that bass,

‘Bout that bass…

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes

Me: *wakes up sobbing*

Him: Again??

Me: I’m just so terrified…

Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”

Me: I know… I know.

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra

thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have

Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)

Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”

My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet

Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan

What’s the opposite of irony?

Crinkly.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!