Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[fancy restaurant]

me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?

moth date: [shrugs]

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.

I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.

Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

God has left this place

Can’t, holding a grudge

So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…

I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER

I always carry a condom.

I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.

i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?

my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month

therapist: how does that make you feel

me: pretty tired I walk a lot

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school

Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.

Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.

Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/

$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*

“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”

*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*

“Oh.”

People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice