My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
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[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
She might be a genius
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
sweet dreams💖
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no