Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale

well this is just bullshirt

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.

All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.

Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.

My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night

I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.

I don’t o u anything!

– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings

[job interview]

Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.

nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me

Give us this day our daily internet validation

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”

“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”

– Dad Medicine 101

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof

My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.

Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.

Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.

JOHN: Dad, we know.

OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.

GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.