Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes

i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted

A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp

I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.

Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.

You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”

Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…

Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.