Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

Whoa 😂

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

me: awhinersayswhat?

daughter: what?

*my wife and I high five*

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

i dont have time for this

🙂🙃🥹

I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted

You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?

God: just turn around

Almost every animal: ok

Owl: I absolutely will not

Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak

Interviewer: What skills do you have?

Me: Mind control

Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right

God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.

Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power

Leia: By blowing up my planet?

Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation

Leia: NOOO!!!

*me at Target*

“Hey baby, you want some of this?”

*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*

Her: *calls security*

~Flirting is so hard

traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi

Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.

*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.

This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong