Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare

I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.

My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!

Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?

Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.

Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]

A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo

When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.

I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.

Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

me: hey your birthday is one day away

6yo: we just call that tomorrow

me:

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.