Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.

Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.

Me when I wear 4 inch heels

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.

My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.

He has a belt in partial arts

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

ME: *lying on deathbed*

DEATH: get off my bed

‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

me: what’s your sign

chef: spisces

dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol

Haha! 😂

It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again

People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.

Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?

Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.

Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.

Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.

Somebody call the cops.

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

Legacy implies the existence of armacy.

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.