My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
the internet really was better 18 years ago
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
can you read it!!??
maan!
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
