My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
lmfao
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
kevin is now a local weatherman
annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Software Development ⛵️
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
