My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
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[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
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white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Life with a cat in one tweet
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
This is me 🤣🤣
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My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.