Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

[Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.

There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.

Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.

It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.

What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems

What I hear: better have the whole bottle then

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.