Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro

3yo: welcome to my store.

Me: thank you how much for this apple?

3yo: ummm fifty dollars.

Me: wow and these grapes?

3yo: um SIXTY dollars.

Me: geez how about this lemon?

3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!

and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!

Me: dance like no one’s watching!

Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.

I’m putting together a team

[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.

HOST: Make yourself at home!

ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.

a god among men

Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.

Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.