My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
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me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
True
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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When I (vegetarian) hear the server list the specials and don’t want to hurt their feelings: Hmmm the filet mignon sounds really nice. Shrimp linguine, that I’m sure is delicious too. Let me think oh yeah I’ll have the fries.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be