Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….

Ther’s safety in numb bears

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.

Wife: but she’s only 3.

Me: I need the extra time.

Wife: why?

Me: to catch and train the owl.

You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”

wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat

[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie

Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.

date: do you like reading?

me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?

I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”

i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.

I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.

When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?

REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?

ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes

[a 31st dog walks by]

ME: oh no

Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.

Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.

Me: Just get in.

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?

Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean

“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword

I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?

Dieting is bullshit.

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.