My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
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Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
The Weeknd is back
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.