Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive

12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.

Me: What was your objective?

12: To be done with my school project.

Nailed it.

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

me: i’m sorry

gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?

me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas

gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy

me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.

Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned

How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?

Where’s Waldo?

*Leans in*

Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither

Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

sin harder.

My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?

Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

– kids

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives