My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
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Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..
I said, you too..