My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
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Bike is short for Bichael.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Perfect.
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
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Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.