My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
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Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
million dollar idea: worm dehorser