My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
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Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
need a new bf mines broken 😐
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy