Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.

**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

As a kid: what tf does that mean?

Turns 40: ohhhhh

*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”

My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.

-I win

My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.

Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

“Why yes, that scale is accurate”

A collection of horror stories

Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.

Me: I did.

Wife: That’s mauve.

I hate it when she makes up words.

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]

I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”

attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin