My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
You Might Also Like
the battle rages on
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
not for long
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking