Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

“It’s not about the money.”

-people with money

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”

-if Lassie had been a cat

[on deathbed – calls for son]

“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.

PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently

SON: Oh my god what’s wrong

ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”

Student: Would you use it in a sentence?

Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.

When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.

congratulations to them

Hoping to spice up my evening

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.

I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.