Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.

GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”

BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”

I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what

Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon

After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.

Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing

Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what

Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called

Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105

– Fancy restaurants

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules

“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv

me: *falls down stairs*

kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!

me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this

me: *hiding from kidnapper*

kidnapper: *sneezes*

me: BLESS YOU!