@UnfilteredMama

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

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@junejuly12

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

@JohnLyonTweets

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

@thatUPSdude

[AA Meeting]

“I think it’s time we address the elephant in the room”

Elephant: Hey hey I thought this was supposed to be anonymous!?

@TweetingDadGuy

Winter is great because it gets dark earlier and you can get a head start on your shady activities.

@funnyortruth

Friend : “I wasn’t that drunk!” Me : “Dude a thief stole your T.V and you ran after him screaming “YOU FORGOT THE REMOTE!!!”

@ThisOneSayz

*pops kid’s balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid’s cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!

@shegotagronk

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.

@TheAlexNevil

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

@GloriaFallon123

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with