My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
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At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Happy Taco Tuesday
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Yes, this is exactly right
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.