My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
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While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
road rage
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.