My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
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Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Every time my phone rings
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know