My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
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Deer are just ballerina dogs
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
no one ever comes back
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.