My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
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[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
the short answer to this question
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores