My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
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it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I’m being attacked 😭
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.