Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

Dune (2021)

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.

A Brit accepting a compliment:

“I like your coat”

“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”

5: Unicorns aren’t real.

13: Where do you think glitter comes from?

10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.

Big Sisters: the original fake news source

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar

Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.

Me: (awkward silence)