My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
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I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Strangers have the best candy.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.