My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
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Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Flock of bats
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.