Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.

I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.

THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.

ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice

My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today

Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”

[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly

fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house