My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
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Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.