Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.

[speed dating, today]

him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!

*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?

Steve: what?

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.

cw: what did you do at the weekend?

me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal

cw: I think you mean belated?

m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean

“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,

I wonder to myself:

Who has the other half of my egg?

Two strangers;

Living their lives;

Sharing an egg.

[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second

Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.

me: did you even eat lunch today?

10: yea

me: what’d you have?

10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat

me: your mom is gonna kill me.

If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.

I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.

Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.

Me: