My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
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I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
how many bears make up a bear minimum
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?