My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
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Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”