My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
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The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
🤣✨#caturday
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus