Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

🥃

In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

Cats are still liquid.

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.

I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.

I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.

Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

The Sun’s probably Asian.

It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.

The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.

Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

American voters doing the deep research today before voting.

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding

Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol