My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
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me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit