Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?

Pac-Man: *deep breath*

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend

Darkness: *rolls eyes*

” I need you ”

– Me in the toilet roll aisle

Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment

I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time

I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous

I just gave my cat a bath.

Your move Satan.

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room

I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself