Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?

Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-

Them: Oh Jesus

Me: -the portable hat!

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.

“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic

MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?

Dr: do you eat healthy?

Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales

Dr:

Me: the hummuses

Dr: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.

Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.

She knows her part so well!