My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
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My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.