My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
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“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
being a writer on Twitter:
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?