Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!

ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.

Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.

“I’ve recently come into some money.”

*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*

“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”

That’s not what I –

“Please stop. Let me do this.”

Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.

She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.

The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus

Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.

Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.

The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

“I took care of your clown problem.”

A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

[First Day Working At The Zoo]

Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.

Boss: They actually mated with each other?

Me: Oh not with each other

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.

I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.