My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I wonder if new batteries in my milk frother feels to my coffee and creamer what a fully charged vibra… you know what, never mind.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
I occasionally drink every single night.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade