Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*

I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.

“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?

ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones

CORONER: what the hell have you done

mmm onion ringos

*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!

Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”

I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.

ME: I’m off to turn some tricks

WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’

Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.

My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

7: Golf is not fun to watch

ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context

7: What are nuances and context

Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make

7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not

Me:

7: Usually not

Me:

7: They aren’t even good at it.

A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].

Wife: omg he just took his first steps!

Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.

Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.