Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.

2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.

GOD: I gave you my son.

MAN: You mean your only son?

GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.

If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.

Someone will come to argue with you.

*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*

Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.

And then start talking gibberish again.

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then

Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti

My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.

I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”

Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!

*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*

“Great job, sweetie!”

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.