My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
You Might Also Like
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication
What’s so funny?
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
🇺🇸🤭
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra