My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
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Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. but you’re not gonna like the performance
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.