Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos

You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes

Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.

Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms

Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?

Me: Yes of course I…oh no

Half sister: what

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?

Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.

Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?

My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!

Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

He just like my cat fr

Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.

I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM

I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle