Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: are you drunk?

me: define “drunk”

w: impaired by an excess of alcohol

m: define “excess”

w: yeah, you’re drunk

m: define “you’re”

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.

I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.

Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office

rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about

The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah

Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours

VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!

BOY: Fine

{later}

BOY: Help…Wolf!

WOLF: What’s up?

BOY: I need you to kill the villagers

Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.

My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”