My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
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Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
*3.5 thank you very much.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”