My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
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DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.