My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
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Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”