My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
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therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
zone out
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder