My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
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Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Drive as I say, not as I drive.