My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
You Might Also Like
Hit me in the face with a bird
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Europe. Made in Germany.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping