Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please

Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?

Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.

I think I’m being stalked…

Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD

*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*

first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller

When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.

Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???

My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.

The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.